Royal round-up: 8th December

Happy Sunday ladies and gents – hope you’ve all had a good weekend!

After my first week back at work since being ill, it was most welcome; what a stressful one that was! I swear, I could’ve died and the finance team would still come to my funeral like “that’s sad, but you’re late submitting your credit card expenses.”

Accurate depiction of my colleagues

Also pleased to announce that I had my first glass of wine in foreeeeeever on Friday night and it was beautiful. (Ok, I had 4, but I’m British – we rarely stop at one.)

But enough about me – as per, there have been some nuggets of royal manure this week to get through, so without further ado, let’s get stuck in!

Prince Charles wants to streamline the monarchy

Yes, Prince Charles reportedly wants to bring the circle in a bit where members of the royal family are concerned and this would mean bumping some useless members off the VIP list.

Three guesses where you’ll stand, Sussexes

It has been said that Charles has “wanted to do this for years” and even with his mother Queen Elizabeth still on the throne, plans have been “put in motion already”. Many believe that the shunning of Prince Andrew is an indicator that this is what’s happening behind palace walls, but…

I think that might be because he’s a paedophile, but what do I know

There are other sources that say Charles wants to limit the family beneath him to “just his sons and their children”, in order to “avoid embarrassing situations with other members of the family”– seemingly forgetting that Hypocrite Henry and Media Meg are probably the most cringeworthy members of the family.

Charles dude, come on.

Just a word of advice to the Prince of Wales, but it might be worth streamlining the monarchy down to those who actually want to be a part of it. I’ve yet to see Harry and Meghan put their arses into their roles, so until they do, they can end up on the scrapheap with the rest of them.

Where is it they’ve been again for the last three weeks, Charles?

On holiday – no doubt embarrassing another country somewhere.

Yeah – I’d hold that thought for now, mate.

Harry and Meghan spent Thanksgiving in the USA

Which brings me nicely to my next point…

An article or two surfaced this week confirming that Harry and Meghan are in fact in the USA and have been for the last few weeks, having celebrated Thanksgiving with “close family”…

Thought you didn’t have any family Meghan, so pardon my confusion

Considering most of her family (on both sides) have been slagging Meggers off in the press, talking about how they haven’t seen her in years and expressing their obvious disdain for her, I can’t imagine they were welcome around the table to share a bit of turkey and pumpkin pie this year– so I’m gonna say they spent it with Doria in her bungalow.

“Meghan, I know it’s a bungalow and the roof is close to the ground, but you don’t have to walk around like that, yah.”

Apparently Meghan, who is made out to be a Michelin star chef just because she once knocked up some avocado on toast, will be doing “all the cooking” in California – as she just “loves wearing the apron”.

Yes, I’m sure it took several hours and three years at culinary school to put this one together

Given the amount of weight Harry has lost since Meghan moved to the UK, I can only assume her cooking is fucking terrible and he’d rather starve than put any of it in his mouth.

In addition to speculation on their whereabouts, some dude called Omid Scobie, who is a prize prat, might I add – was the first to “leak” the news on behalf of Meghan that the Sussexes are currently in the USA.

For those who don’t know, Scobie is Meghan’s mouthpiece and leaks all the info to the media that Meghan is unable to leak herself, due to royal family constraints. I mean, you didn’t think Meghan would go to the USA and NOT make sure we all knew about it, did you?

Of course, many others believe that the Useless Twosome are in fact out there searching for a permanent USA home – a rumour of which many of us hope is true.

And if the stories are true that they are planning to stay out there through Christmas also, then they’ll certainly have plenty of time to house-hunt, that’s for sure.

Two useless dipshits and a ginger baby?

William on tour

Thank fuck – something to redeem all this bullshit.

As mentioned during last week’s royal round up, just as I started penning the previous one, The Duke of Cambridge had just arrived in Kuwait for a solo royal tour.

“Yeah, easy with that bag mate, it’s a Louis Vuitton.”

Prince William, who left his wife, The Duchess of Cambridge and their three children back home in England, conducted visits to both Kuwait and Oman– the first time he has officially visited either country.

“Joke’s on Kate – got me out of reading a week’s worth of bedtime stories to Louis.”

The Duke also paid a visit to the Ras Musandam Naval Base, where he wore protective glasses and ear plugs to watch soldiers throw hand grenades – which gave His Royal Highness a bright idea or two:

“Couldn’t drop a few of those on Frogmore, could you?”
“Haha – just kidding!”
“…but if you’ve got any spares, I won’t say no.”

The Duke went on to study the wetlands’ wildlife, where he even got a chance to get up close and personal with some of the beautiful creatures the land had to offer:

“I have a feeling this is the one that built a nest in Meghan’s hair for Trooping The Colour this year.”

And he even got a chance to see how Kuwaiti arts and crafts were made, first hand:

“And that must be one of Meghan’s maternity dresses!”

All in all, a successful trip for the Duke, who even made it home in time for the kids’ bedtime.

“Yeah – after a swift half at the local.”

Harry and Meghan want you to think of the homeless

Despite the fact Dumb and Dumber are meant to be on a break, they are still posting on Instagram, getting us to “reflect on the lonely, hungry and homeless this Christmas”.

What – like that father you abandoned, Meghan?

Tabloids speculated that Meghan may have penned the post herself, due to the wording of “festive holiday season” – a term of which we never use in the UK.

I was fascinated by this observation; Meghan? Taking control of the Sussex IG?

I, for one, thought it was a heartfelt, lovely post. I mean, a social-climbing gold-digger who has dumped anybody who couldn’t boost her profile as she clambered her way up the ladder? It’s really touching to see her utter phrases such as:

Nah, she’s taking the piss now, surely?

Tell me Meghan, what is it dear old daddy has planned for Christmas? Perhaps he’s spending it alone at home with a can of beer? Is it a takeaway Chinese and a quiet one in front of the tv? I think your dad would “appreciate the smallest act of kindness” Meghan, but I’m guessing he’s unlikely to get it from his cold-hearted bitch of a daughter.

I’ll bet the Sussexes are genuinely worried about the hungry and homeless, as they jet about the planet on their private planes and spend money like it’s water. What true humanitarians they are.

Kate takes over a royal patronage

Turning our attention back to the royals who actually do some work – it’s been announced this week that The Duchess of Cambridge has taken over a patronage from The Queen – becoming patron of Family Action – a charity Her Majesty had been patron of for 65 years.

Catherine visited the charity this week, meeting with the children who are supported by this cause and engaging in some festive activities.

“Yes, I did tell Meghan to shove a Christmas tree up her arse last week – shall we send her this one?”

This is of course a huge honour; if the Queen passes down such an important patronage to you, you know it’s because she clearly thinks highly of you – which we know she does with Catherine.

It was during this visit that Catherine also revealed that Prince Louis “follows her around everywhere” and “wants to go wherever she does.”

“Ok, let go of my hand now, I get enough of this shit at home.”

This comes off the back of a busy week, as Catherine also attended the NATO dinner held at Buckingham Palace, where attendees included the President and First Lady of the USA, as well as Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada.

Kate seemed in her element in a green Emilia Wickstead dress, clearly delighted to be part of the occasion:

“You see, I’m not too sure what NATO is, but I’ve heard there was free wine, so here I am”

But with William away, Catherine seemed more than comfortable undertaking such important events with world leaders on her own, and as usual, totally outshone everyone else.

Especially Boris – who looked as though he had certainly taken advantage of the open bar ahead of next week’s big election

Well that’s all for now folks – this coming week will see the Diplomatic Reception at Buckingham Palace on Wednesday and let’s not forget as mentioned above – that all important UK election on Thursday.

I won’t disclose who I’m voting for, for fear of being stabbed, but to my fellow UK-ers, please make sure you get out there and do your part this week… let’s sort out this political mess.

Until next time, my dears… 💋

Royal round-up: 1st December

Happy Sunday folks! Hope you’ve had a good week.

As some of you may have seen on my Twitter, it turns out that what I had across my fingers wasn’t actually eczema, but rather a secondary viral and bacterial infection (picked up in Norway we think) that unfortunately put me in hospital earlier this week with borderline blood-poisoning.

I thought it was a head cold…

The good news is that with the aid of nine (bloody massive) antibiotic tablets a day, I am doing well and (almost) back to normal, with nearly the full working use of my hands again.

The (slightly) bad news is that I can’t enjoy a glass of red while writing this due to my medication, but it’s ok – I’ll be reunited with my Pinot Noir soon!

Not that I’m keeping count or anything, but it’s only two and a half days until I’m done with my tablets….

But moving on, as usual, there has been a barrel-load of fuckery out of the Sussex camp this last week, and keen not to keep you waiting any longer, let’s get stuck right in!

Meghan’s being compared to Kate

As if there’s any comparison, but anyway… for Meg’s sake, keep your violins handy.

Yes – “sources close to Meghan” (as if there are any of those either) have claimed that Meghan is “well aware” that she is being pitted against The Duchess of Cambridge in the media and by the public.

A “friend” of Meghan (so Serena Williams or Jessica Mulroney) has said that Meghan “is aware that Kate will be Queen” (like the rest of the bloody nation) and finds being compared to her “challenging”.

This person, who let’s face it, is probably also a PR rep for the Sussexes, tells us that any competition is simply absurd, as both women are “more focused on their families than any kind of competition.”

Meghan? Focused on something other than herself?

Meghan has been in competition since that ring went on her finger. She has never been able to let any Cambridge news shine in the press without trying to outdo Catherine and her clan with some other rubbish from her own life. Not focused on competition? Please.

The only thing Meghan’s focused on in this picture is shoving Kate off the balcony

Another banger that came out of this shit-arsed article was “William and Kate toe the line – maybe because they have to. But Harry and Meghan are saying no. They’re trying to reset the rules.”

Just a suggestion

Harry and Meghan are not at the head of the monarchy (though in Meghan’s tiny mind, I’m sure she thinks she’s the Queen herself).

It is not for them to say how the monarchy should be run and what rules should be in place, much less which ones they’re going to play by. And if they want to say “no”, we will happily say “fuck off elsewhere then” right back.

Please, Your Majesty, when are you going to disown these two as well like you have with Andrew? I think it’s well overdue.

“Just PISS OFF, already! One is not amused!”

Meghan’s higher education letter

No – let me stop you right there – I know what you’re thinking:

“Weren’t these two meant to be on a six week break? Why are we still hearing about them?”

Ah yes, the million dollar question – but not one that any of us are surprised to be asking. I mean honestly – did we really think they’d sod off and leave us in peace?

Keen not to be quiet for too long (just in case we forgot about them), Meghan made it a point to release a letter about the “importance of higher education for women” – because she really does believe in gender equality and women working hard to make a name for themselves in this world without the aid of a man…

It really was a wonderful letter; I mean, without some sad, divorcee crumpet telling us all go to university and why it’s important, no one would’ve even vaguely entertained the idea, much less apply to university.

“Because education expands mind-sets, and those minds can then expand the scope of the world at large. From a micro to a macro level, it is with education that we see great change.” Meghan Markle, 2019 (or some other poor sod she stole the quote off, as she likes to do so often).

God, she really does love the sound of her own voice. However, we appreciate your efforts Meghan and for you taking the time out of stuffing your arse with turkey to tell us all what to do – as usual.

It should be noted that Meghan used the back of her own degree to write that letter as she no longer needs it, due to marrying a rich, privileged, titled man.

It was also very kind of the Sussexes to throw out this shit photo, wishing us all a Happy Thanksgiving, as though they give a toss:

We’d all be thankful for you both fucking off to another planet.

Can I also say that I really love how these articles like to talk about the fact that Meghan went to Northwestern, as though she figured out the cure for cancer while she was there, or something.

Whatever degree she got (which quite frankly, I don’t give a rat’s arse about), it was very clearly a waste of time; I don’t think you need a double major in the arts for blowing some guy on 90210 or for stalking a Prince until he marries you.

All you need is a narcissistic streak, a good helping of tenacity and oodles of determination.

And THAT, my loves, they do not teach at Harvard.

Harry and Meghan build another fence

Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to move to outer space at this point?

Yes, after attending a coffee morning with the Coldstream Guards’ families and making themselves seem approachable as they spoke about their own, the Gruesome Twosome have once again taken another contradictory step to shutting their neighbours out.

They have now apparently built a third fence around Frogmore Cottage, probably to keep other members of the Royal Family out, just in case The Queen decides to stop by for tea and an arse-whooping.

The Queen finally loses her shit

The fence, which cost the Crown a rather hefty £12,000, was put up in recent months amid “security concerns” for the couple, while they sat on their arses at home eating kale, doing yoga or whatever else it is they do while they’re in residence.

Waste of money, if you ask me – you could railroad that shit with a child’s scooter and it’d collapse like a house of cards

The bit that baffles me the most is that it was said a while back they they had a team of something like twenty security officers outside this cottage, so why on Earth do they also need three fences? It just smacks of self-importance.

At this point, I’m starting to suspect these railings are to keep Harry IN, rather than keeping other folk out.

Harry eventually jumps the hazel fence and makes it to the local pub

No, but honestly, if it’s peace and quiet in the USA that they want, might I suggest the stunning Alcatraz?

– Ideal waterfront location for those wanting the quiet life in San Francisco, California

– 336 stone-walled bedrooms with en-suite facilities

– A private medical facility (the NHS has nothing on this stunning ward)

– Newly refurbished kitchen with all the mod-cons

– High security fences and railings, to ensure trespassers are kept firmly outside (or inside – whichever)

It’s just like the palace, but draughtier – I’m sure they’ll just love it!

Will and Kate “relieved” Haz and Megs won’t be at Christmas

Yep – apparently the Cambridges have breathed a sigh of relief that Harry and Meghan won’t be at Sandringham to spoil Christmas for the royals this year.

The Duchess of Cambridge hears the news from Harry one morning last week

However, the articles reporting these claims have also gone on to say that in actual fact, William and Catherine are “supportive” of the Sussexes’ decision to “retreat from the public eye (lol) to celebrate Archie’s first Christmas” and that they actually believe it to be a good decision.

It’s still apparently unclear whether Harry and Meghan are currently in the USA or the UK, but if they are abroad, perhaps the Cambridges’ Christmas gift to them could be a one-way ticket to Bermuda.

“Call it a gift from the Crown Estate.”

Between Andrew and the Sussexes, I’d say the entire damn family are pretty relieved that all the troublemakers will be keeping a low profile this Crimbo.

I’m sure Kate’s organising a festive street party to celebrate their absence as we speak.

“You can fucking keep them, America – Merry Christmas!”

The Cambridges and Mary Berry

So I was hearing whisperings last week, and this weekend, it seems to have come to fruition that the Cambridges have done a spot of festive baking with Mary Berry!

These lovely festive treats have been created to help feed those carrying out volunteer work this Christmas, as they aid various UK charities in ensuring those less fortunate are looked after this year. Admittedly I don’t know much about GBBO or Mary Berry (apart from the fact her face scares me a bit), but this is definitely a wonderful cause to champion.

Joining in the baking session was Great British Bake Off winner Nadiya Hussain, who offered a helping hand to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge as they made meringues for the holiday workers.

While Harry and Meghan may be far away for the holidays this year, they certainly weren’t far from William and Catherine’s minds: the royal couple ensured they enlisted expert chef advice during the cooking session, so that they could bake them something lovely – just a token of their appreciation for all they have done for the family and for Great Britain.

“Yes, but how much chilli powder in the chutney to really ensure that Harry’s IBS is triggered?”

Catherine also enlisted some help, as she prepared a special Christmas surprise for her lovely sister-in-law…

“Yes, but I tried overloading it with cinnamon last time and all she ended up with was a bit of a stomach ache?”

And with the aid of Mary Berry’s team, William and Catherine took away some treats for the Sussexes that they could really be proud of.

“Yes, just don’t touch these two though, William and I shat in them.”

As I type, Prince William has just touched down in Kuwait and news stories are circulating of Prince Charles wanting to “streamline” the monarchy… you can bet all that and more will be coming next week!

In the meantime – have a fabulous week, I’ll try and stay out of hospital and let’s get together again next weekend! 💋

Royal Round Up: 25th November

Happy Monday all – the first two words of which are usually not in the same sentence together.

For the 99% of you who read this blog and have been patient with my absence over the last few weeks, I would like to take a moment to thank you for your kind words and support.
As I have said on Twitter, I’ve been really poorly with a virus I picked up in Norway that left me bedridden for two weeks – not to mention the fact that I had a vile outbreak of stress-related eczema across my fingers (that has essentially rendered me handicapped in recent times) and I also had my suitcase accidentally taken from the hotel luggage hold in Oslo, further adding to my stress.

Not yours

To the other 1% who have thought it appropriate to leave rude comments demanding blog entries and expressing their annoyance at my absence while I’ve been ill, please feel free to unsubscribe. Once again, this is a hobby – not a paid job. I write because I want to, not because I’m under obligation to. And I don’t want anybody ruining that for me.

If you cannot understand that if somebody is too ill to even hold a fork and feed themselves, that they are probably unlikely to be able to write a blog post, you are clearly beyond any kind of assistance and I don’t need that kind of negativity on my blog.

Otherwise – Norway was totally beautiful and a lovely visit!

I asked the palace if they’d take Meghan, but they said no. Sorry guys.

I apologise if some of the upcoming headers are somewhat old now, but not one to miss out on sharing my thoughts (and seeing as I started drafting it a while ago and figured I might as well post it anyway), I went with the flow.

Sooo…. let’s get stuck in:

Harry goes to Japan

It seems Harry’s wife’s behaviour is rubbing off on him- no, not just behaving like a self-entitled arsehole- but also flying to other countries for sporting events.

Yep, Holiday Harry jetted off to Japan for the Rugby World Cup final a couple of weeks ago where he met some people, shook some hands (while he had both free) and genuinely enjoyed not having his wife super-glued to his side.

“Bitches on tour, yah.”

And just at the moment that he was starting to seem vaguely like his old self again while talking to a gaggle of Japanese schoolgirls, he (somewhat predictably) went and fucked it up.

These polite, poor young girls who were super excited to meet the ginger tosser (for some reason), were swiftly told to ‘fuck off’ by Harry with one small gesture, as he held up his left hand to show them his wedding ring, all because they deigned to smile and wave at him.

“Don’t you watch the news? Haven’t you seen the limpet that’s always hanging off me?”

Harry – don’t behave like your Uncle Andrew; they are essentially children, not romantically interested in you and were merely showing fangirl adoration – you didn’t need to remind them that you’re legally bound to a witch.

“One just doesn’t want to get one’s arse handed to one when one gets home, you know.”

But going back to all things rugby, Harry – clearly delighted that his wife was so far behind in the UK and couldn’t bollock him for partying, actually decided to have a little fun and even had…. a beer.

One onlooker said that they were ‘surprised’ to see Harry having a drink, as Meghan had apparently put an alcohol ban on him while she was “pregnant” and told Harry that if she was going to suffer (for nine months), so was he (for eternity).

She also made sure he gave up smoking, went on a vegan diet and took up yoga. Basically she transformed him from Henry into Henrietta.

But knowing that his wife was safely some six thousand miles away at home and couldn’t barge in at any moment, rip the pint from his hand and frogmarch him home, he decided to let his hair down (what’s left of it, anyway) and have a pint and a chinwag with the lads.

Bloody hell – makes you wonder what lengths he goes to back here in England to pop into his local for a swift half without Meg finding out.

“Just popping out to the gym, honey!”

“Oh bugger, left my umbrella at the bank – back in ten!”

“Archie’s out of nappies again? Don’t worry dear, I’ll just nip to Tesco!”

Poor fucker. Gotta get it where you can, eh Haz?

Remembrance Day Events

Quir rightly, the Royal Family represented the UK at a large number of Remembrance Day events this year, all of which were carried out beautifully. (Apart from when you were there, Meghan.)

There was the appearance Harry and Meghan made at Westminster Abbey, which was somewhat embarassing, to be quite frank.

She even wore her best bathrobe for the occasion.

Meghan, who (for an actress) didn’t manage to do a good job convincing us that she knew what she was there to do, seemed to spend a large amount of time taking cues from the dude stood behind her. This even included the arduous task of walking a few steps forward and placing a cross in the wreath.

Yes – even approaching the wreath with a cross in her hand, and having seen clearly where her husband had placed one before her, she still had to look to the guy to her left for some help. Because she couldn’t possibly have used her braincells to work this one out right?

“The fuck does this go?”
“Over here?”
“On the right.”

“I said on the right, bitch.”

She then also did the strangest head bow I’ve ever seen in my life, whereby her head was lowered one minute, and then snapped back up dramatically in a split second, as though she’d been possessed by the Queen Mother.

I’m not too sure what happened here, but I imagine she was going for some kind of “Hollywood” thing, but ended up looking more like a puppet with a sting attached to it’s neck (and a rod up her arse).

She then turned her back on the poppies as the sidled back into line next to her husband, which is a big no-no, but we’ll let that one go– walking three steps forward, dropping an object and bowing her head all proved to be difficult tasks for her to master, so let’s not place too much expectation on her delicate little shoulders.

It’s ok Meghan, there’s always next year to out-shit yourself.

But it’s ok, guys – she still had more events to fuck things up at.

On the Saturday night, there was the Remembrance Concert at the Royal Albert Hall, where she thought it appropriate to show up in a dress where her cleavage was practically pressed up against everyone’s noses.

“For the fallen, y’all!”

And of course, she made sure her hand was on her stomach again – can’t miss a big opportunity to hint that you’re pregnant, eh Megs? Or maybe it was the dodgy dinner from the McDonalds drive thru on the way in playing havoc on her intestines?

“Don’t happen to know where the bogs are, do you?”

But despite the ugly, boaty and inappropriate dress, stomach-clutching and scary gurning, Megs’s biggest test at hiding her true feelings came when she realised how far away her and her darling hubby were sat from the Real Royal Family.

“Wills, have you seen how far back they are?!”
“I know – they might as well be in LA!”

“Pair of fuckers.”

That one must’ve stung, but surely she understands?
I mean, her and Haz are usually twenty miles away from the rest of them anyway, so she should be used to it by now – and perhaps they were worried she’d do that weird thing with her head again or keep trying to get her plump midriff into every photo, so they made the necessary changes to the seating plan.

“As long as she’s not sittin’ near me, I ain’t arsed.”

And then it was Sunday, and the traditional appearance made by the BRF at the Cenotaph on White Hall, where wreaths are laid by members of the family, and a two-minute silence is held.

Her Majesty The Queen was joined by The Duchess of Cornwall and The Duchess of Cambridge on one balcony (as the current Queen and two future Queen Consorts)…

while Meghan was left to bother Sophie, Countess of Wessex on another – which I’m sure Soph was fucking thrilled with.

“No. Do NOT fucking speak to me.”

Meghan’s attire was semi-ok; she actually managed to stick to the colour theme of ‘black’ with little assistance, even if the coat was too large and the hat looked like something my grandmother would wear to sit in the sun.

And she even tried her hardest with the solemn expressions too – even if they do look more like she is trying to hold in a fart, or, y’know, remember which war they were even commemorating.

“Was it maybe the Gulf War, because – oh never mind, I’ve spotted a camera.”

Whatever happened on the Wessex/Sussex balcony, I’ll bet Kate was just super pleased she wasn’t stuck with Hollywood Ho on her own one.

“Just keep her far away from me or you’ll be commemorating World War 3 next.”

Windsor Coffee Morning

As if the residents of Windsor hadn’t suffered enough being subjected to weddings, christenings and a shitload of ridiculous orders from these two morons, they added insult to injury by showing up at a coffee morning for the Coldstream Guards and their families to talk more about themselves – and of course, show their love for the kids.

“Ok, let go of me and keep that bloody chocolate muffin away from my weave and Givenchy shirt please.”

Joining other families, who probably didn’t give a shit about their presence, the two of them proceeded to provide updates on Archie (which still, nobody gave a shit about).

But despite no one asking, they still proceeded to tell everyone that Archie now ‘had two teeth’ in his lower row of gums.

And that he has also started crawling!

Yes – can you believe it? At six months old, he is doing what other babies his age do! He eats, sleeps, crawls and shits! How wonderful to receive this exciting piece of information – I’ll sleep well tonight now.

And honestly, what is with the hypocrisy of these two? Didn’t you just earlier this year tell your neighbours to ‘get the fuck away’ from you and NOT approach you for a conversation if they saw you in the street? Or ask to see Archie? And now you’re trying to have a chat with everyone like you’re all best pals?

I can only imagine what their neighbours were thinking of them.

“When are you going to piss off back to Kensington?”

Christmas in LA?

So the original story was that Haz and Megs were heading to California for Thanksgiving this year as part of their six-week break, so that Archie could be introduced to American traditions (or some shit), but said story has apparently since changed.

Now, it has emerged that Doria will spend Thanksgiving in the UK instead and that the Sussexes will now go to the USA for Christmas, foregoing the standard Sandringham practice.

Well… there are a couple of issues with this picture.
The first one being… we don’t fucking celebrate Thanksgiving in the UK?

Secondly, in keeping with the above, Meghan and her mother are apparently going to hand out ‘Thanksgiving’ meals to the homeless, at some shelter somewhere.

After drafting the rough version of this post (some two weeks ago now), it has since changed (yet again) to a story that tells us that Harry and Meghan will now actually be attending Christmas at Sandringham after ‘a change of plans’.

Honestly, we were all looking forward to a six-week break. No new photos of Prat 1 and Prat 2 gurning and holding hands. The flag flies high above Buckingham Palace. Children can laugh and play in the streets again…. Peace and quiet. Shattered.

I’m really starting to feel at this point that it’s going to take a specially commissioned rocket to get rid of these two.

Love, NASA xo

Last appearance before break

And then we come to Holiday Harry’s ‘last appearance’ before his non-break with his family.

The visit was for charity OnSide, where dear old Hazza presented an award onstage at the Health and Wellbeing awards – seemingly the only task he undertakes these days.

“I know yah, I’m surprised I turned up too.”

He then went on to talk about Greta Thunberg, praising her for her strikes outside Swedish parliament last year, in view of protecting the climate.

Well, I’m sure Greta was just thrilled at being mentioned by Haz – a man who loves taking private jets all over the globe when it’s just himself, his wife and his baby travelling and flies to other countries for a two-hour sporting event.

“No thanks, dude.”

I’m sure the audience and charities in attendance were even more thrilled that Harry, probably getting dressed quickly in a hungover stupor, appears to have picked up some trousers from the washing basket that had remnants of last night’s kebab on them.

Or maybe he just got too excited about being out without his wife?

I guess if it’s not a red carpet event with Jay-Z and Beyonce, it’s just not worth the effort, huh?

Well of course a lot more than that has happened over the last few weeks, a lot more will occur and I fully intend to start afresh next weekend with more royal shenanigans.

Until then, sit tight, take it easy and I’ll see you next weekend!

Royal Round Up: 3rd November

Evening all!

I know I said there may be a slight delay, but keen not to disappoint, I grounded my arse on the sofa with some dinner and a glass of wine and ploughed on through.

Almost there! Just a little… bit.. more!

It’s later in the day than usual, but keen not to keep you waiting any longer, let’s dive on in!

Meghan begged to be in the tabloids

So last weekend, literally just after I posted the last RRU, a story broke in the press about Meghan allegedly ‘begging’ Katie Hind from The Mail On Sunday to put her in the tabloids six years ago, and about three years before she trapped Prince Harry.

Quelle fucking surprise

I mean really, assuming this is true (and I imagine it is, as I don’t think Katie Hind would put herself in the media firing line unnecessarily), none of us are particularly surprised by this– especially since it was well known that Meg also ‘begged’ a lot of her UK connections to set her up with a ‘rich British dude’ or some shit.

But anyway, the story was that dear old Meghan told Katie to write ‘something, anything’ about her in order to make sure she was mentioned in the UK tabloids – because it was around this time that Meghan realised the US press didn’t give a flying one about her, so she needed to move onto pastures new.

“Fuck you, fuck you and fuck you! Who’s next?” – Meghan leaving the USA media behind and boarding her flight for Heathrow

Apparently Meghan’s publicist, who by all accounts sounds as ferocious as Meghan, begged Katie to meet Meghan for a drink in Soho, London– where Meggers made it clear to Katie that she’d be happy for even a ‘quick mention’ at the end of one of Katie’s weekly column.

Meghan even went as far as to ask Katie to set her up with footballer Ashley Cole, who as we all know was married to Cheryl (formerly) Cole and proceeded to shag a tonne of women while they were together, and allegedly, occasionally beat Cheryl up.
I get that he’s a footballer and has money but let’s face it, times are clearly fucking tough if you’re asking someone to set you up with Ashley bloody Cole.

But Katie quickly ‘squashed Meghan’s dreams of becoming a WAG’ (lol) when she told her how turbulent Ashley and Cheryl’s marriage was, leaving Meghan looking ‘disappointed’ – but probably leaving Ashley fucking relieved.

Actual footage of Ashley Cole trying to depart the UK

Katie needn’t have bothered; I don’t think Meghan had visions of her and Ashley holding hands on a porch somewhere in their 80s and watching their grandchildren play in the garden; I’m pretty sure she was planning on getting the ring, popping out a kid and leaving with half his bank account within two years. This ain’t Romeo and Juliet, Ms Hind.

Busted

I’m only left to assume that Meghan spiked Katie’s prosecco while she was in the bathroom, because Katie did in fact give Meghan a mention in her column and appears to have spun some bullshit about how it was MEG that turned down a date with ASHLEY, instead of the real story – that Meghan begged Katie and Katie saved both her and Ashley the embarassment by nipping it in the bud.

“Yeah, that didn’t fucking happen.”

In any case, all’s well that ends well and I’m sure Ashley is still counting his lucky stars over his narrow escape, while Meghan counts her divorce settlement dosh.

Everyone’s a winner!

Kate and Meghan make amends

I’m not totally buying this bullshit, but as it’s in the news, I may as well put in my two cents.

So The Daily Mail ran a story earlier this week that apparently Kate ‘reached out to Meghan’ after seeing the very sad instalment of The Meghan Show while the Sussexes were out in Africa.

Yeah and I’m the Pope

Kate, who clearly hasn’t been able to stand Meghan for the last three years but is now apparently busting her arse to help her, told Meghan that ‘all royals go through a bad patch’ and that she will eventually get through it – along with providing her advice on how to improve her image.

I mean – I’m sure the real execution of this was a little nicer

Woah there, Catherine; firstly, if there’s one thing we’ve learnt over the years, it’s that Meghan will essentially use all advice given as toilet paper, while she attempts to force out tears on camera about how ‘difficult’ life is in her castle and on the taxpayers’ dime.
Because she’s about as allergic to listening as she is to closing her trap and avoiding the cameras. Best not to waste your time.

Secondly, I’m just not buying it for the more logical reasons.

You really mean to tell me that Catherine and Meghan haven’t been close at all for the last three years, but Meghan gives some bullshit sob story (while she’s meant to be representing the UK abroad) and suddenly Catherine’s over there with a bundt cake and a pack of tissues, ready to wave her magic wand over Meghan’s life?

You’d be better off hitting her on the fucking head with it

Like Kate would be interested in the whinings of a self-serving narcissist, when she went through all that and more without any real public support for years; and instead of using a royal tour as an opportunity to make things about herself, she instead belted up and moulded her image to that of a future Queen, and one the UK could be proud of.

Honestly, if Kate went round to Meghan’s at any point, it was probably to strangle her with the charger cord of that new ‘eco-friendly’ car Haz and Megs bought.

“Stop fucking things up bitch, you’re making us ALL look shit!”

I’m not dismissing it outright, but given the backstory of these two, and on account of the fact that Kate doesn’t appear to be an idiot, I’m getting strong hints of ‘Meghan’s PR Team‘ and slight tones of ‘Pile Of Bullshit‘ on this one.

MPs back Meghan

Fuck me, could it get anymore crazy?

Yes, apparently our British MPs wrote Meghan a letter, demonstrating their ‘support’ for her during this ‘rough time in her life’; because it’s not as if they have anything more pressing to worry about at the moment, like Brexit, frayed international relations and having that twat Boris Johnson at the helm of things, is it?

And of course, keen to keep her name in the newspapers, Meghan called them to ‘thank them for their support’ – while she tried to remember whose names to ask for when she rang, having forgotten who had penned the letter after Harry used it as toilet paper by mistake in the middle of the night.

“Don’t get so vexed Meghan – I thought it was the Andrex, yah.”

Let’s face it, this is total shite. These MPs likely also couldn’t give a rat’s arse about Meghan and her moaning – it’s probably more related to the fact that we are about to go into a General Election next month, and all MPs are looking to drum up as much popularity as they can for their own parties before such time.

Meghan, too dense to see that she is being played at her own game, apparently sat and talked on the phone with MP Holly Lynch, discussing ‘the pressures of being a public figure’ (yeah ok hun) and ‘the difficulties of juggling childcare’.

Yes, Meghan Markle, a British Royal Duchess with access to the public purse and a Prince for a husband, apparently can’t find sufficient childcare for her baby…
Is she having a bloody laugh? Doesn’t she have a nanny? Or has she fucked off too already?

Yes Meghan, I’m sure that 7-quid an hour wage from stacking shelves at Sainsbury’s makes it super difficult to find a babysitter for Archie when you’re working 14-hour days.

“Great, now I can’t afford the electric bill, yah.”

Or perhaps what she meant was that everybody walks out because she’s such a bloody nightmare to work for, so yes, if that’s the case, I see what the problem might be here.

Otherwise – put a sock in it, love.

Meghan tries to be relatable (again)

Ever the busy ‘working woman’, and of course desperate to be out in the tabloids constantly, Meghan this week went to do yet more cooking with yet more under-privileged folk, to show just how much her and Mother Theresa have in common.

“I know babes, I’m just like you – except richer and thinner.”

Meghan visited Luminary Bakery in Camden– a place of work for women who have suffered addiction issues, domestic violence and other similar plights that Meghan would have no understanding of at all, but it’s the thought that counts, I guess.

Because her skills likely don’t extend much past the bedroom or kitchen (and even the latter is questionable considering her idea of a gourmet meal is avocado on toast), Meghan got down to doing some baking with the women, even including her special ingredient:

“So this is my go-to ingredient for most dishes, although I’m running low now… it’s called Harry Du Balles.”

But of course, as ever, no royal engagement for Mrs Sussex is complete without her turning it into a life story about herself. She took this opportunity to tell yet more people, who have fuck all in common with her, just how ‘alike’ they are after all!
(Except she is richer, more famous, married to a Prince and lives in a royal residence. But hey ho, these are just technicalities.)

Meghan very kindly told everybody not to stand on ceremony for her arrival (like they fucking were, anyway), because even though she is “just like so important yah”, “at the end of the day, we are all just women.”

Yeah thanks for letting me know I have a vagina, Meghan – I had no clue after twenty six years, after all.

Ever the eloquent speaker, she went on to say “people have this expectation when I’m coming somewhere, so I’m like, let’s just be really relaxed, keep everyone nice and chilled.”

“Keep them nice and chilled”? They’re not bottles of fucking Pinot Grigio, hun.

And “like”, “chilled”…. The Queen Mother would be turning in her grave knowing that a member of the Royal Family actually speaks like this publicly.

“Honestly, where the fuck did you find this one?”

Secondly, Meghan – nobody expects shit from you, so please don’t flatter yourself.

Apart from maybe having you tie your hair up before you cook anything; because being the ‘seasoned chef’ that you are, you’d think you’d know by now that pinning your weave back before you cook is Rule Number One… and while you yourself might value your strands of DNA as gold dust, I can assure you that nobody wants to find one in their lemon meringue.

They’re all wondering which one has the hair in their cake

Kate has a girls night out

G’wan Kate, ya bad bitch

Yep, it was said that just a day or two ago, Catherine got together with the other mums from George and Charlotte’s school to ‘have a few glasses of wine and a natter’ in Kensington, at The Hollywood Arms – a lowkey venue on the high street.

The drinks party served as a ‘meet and greet’ between the parents, where Catherine was able to ‘hang out freely’ with her new friends and ‘enjoy a few drinks’ in relative privacy, having entered the party through a ‘secret door’ to the bar’s alley that was actually commissioned by Prince Harry some years ago, back when he was actually a laugh and not a sad sack of shite.

Catherine was apparently ‘relaxed’ while drinking with her new pals – and how she doesn’t slip up and say too much she shouldn’t after a few glasses of wine (like I frequently do), I don’t know. Before going out, I’m all:

And after my third Merlot, it’s more like:

In any case, I guess that secret door to the Kensington Palace grounds came in handy once a slightly pissed Kate stumbled into a hedge while attempting to head toward the palace after a few too many Cab Savs, likely with a couple of security officers having to hold her up:

“Get your hands off me – one can bloody walk unaided, you know.”

But not before she kicked off her heels, walked down the street barefoot and grabbed a kebab on the high street:

“Oi. Where’s my fucking change?”

And then proceeded to bang on the front door for Prince William to open it (as she’d “lost her sodding keys again”), and then woke all her children up by blaring House music at midnight, much to William’s annoyance.

“Ready Wills? Turn that shit UP.”

Ok, quite clearly that didn’t happen (we don’t think), but I’d have fucking loved it if it did. One of us? You bet!

Ok ladies and gents – early warning that next week’s blog may possibly be a little late; I am on a short break to Norway next Saturday for a few days, so that causes a bit of an issue where the blog is concerned, but as always, I will endeavour to have it up as soon as possible.

In the meantime, have a fab week, be good and I’ll see you all for another instalment next week!

Royal Round-Up: 27th October

Happy Sunday everyone!

I’ve just finished penning this after starting it on Friday… admittedly, at work, when I was, y’know, supposed to be working. It was almost in the bag, but then people kept coming to my desk with bullshit and I got sidetracked.

Will you all just piss off – can’t you see I’m trying to write my blog at work?!

Nevertheless – I finally made it and there was a little bit to get through this week, so get comfortable and let’s get cracking!

The reaction to Harry and Meghan’s documentary

So things didn’t go quite as well as Harry and Meghan had anticipated with their little attention-and-sympathy-seeking interview in Africa; in what was an attempt to have people flood in with an outpouring of love for the “royal” couple, it was instead met with an army of pissed-off taxpayers, loaded with pitchforks.

People, quite rightly, couldn’t believe that these two pillocks had the fucking nerve to whine about how tough they had it – simply because they are talked about in the press and people take their photo sometimes. I mean – it’s not as though there are children, y’know, starving in Africa or anything, right?

If either of them had a brain-cell between them and weren’t so desperate for attention, they’d probably have worked out long before they even stood in front of the cameras that this was going to backfire massively.

I mean – whining about how rich, lucky and privileged you are in front of the entire world, while you were meant to be on a royal tour focusing on charity work?

Meghan, not quite understanding the point of the tour

The second tidal wave of backlash washed over Hurricane Harkle on Thursday night, when Prince Charles’s documentary about his Duchy estate aired– and much to the Sussexes’ surprise, was actually about the work that Prince Charles does, and NOT him moaning about his life.

Meghan finally got round to watching the documentary, I see

People were quick to jump on Twitter and tell Harry and Meghan, quite rightly, that this is how a true royal behaves – not turning a royal tour into a sad little journal entry from your life, whining about how your tiara just isn’t quite shiny enough for your liking.

All in all, much like many of Meghan’s onscreen works, this was a massive flop– and not one that even gained them any popularity. Let’s hope Markle’s inevitable divorce interview attracts higher viewer ratings and sympathy.

“Just gimme three years, I’ll see you all on Oprah.”

Harry and Meghan are depressed

Yep – some media tabloids reported this week that the Sussexes are “unhappy” and “miserable” in the public eye and are reaching “breaking point”. So fed up with the unacceptable notion that nobody actually gives a shit about them, and having not learnt anything from their flop of an interview, these two are continuing to do their best impression of Eeyore to drum up even more sympathy.

Harry and Meghan once their titles and wealth are taken away

Once again, the same question is asked: if you’re so bloody fed up with your royal lives, why don’t you both piss off and leave your titles at the door?

You’re not the future King and Queen.
You haven’t produced any heirs to the throne.
In fact, you’re about as likely as I am to park your arses on the throne at this point.
So what exactly is stopping you both from leaving the UK and the Royal Family?

Oh, right – I know. Your sense of self-entitlement.

Harry isn’t (that) stupid (I don’t think); he must know on some level Meg would never have looked twice at his fuzzy ginger head had he not been born a Prince of Britain, so he also knows that if the titles go, so does the wife.
Show of hands who actually thinks that Meghan would stick around if her “Duchess of Sussex” title was removed? My arse. She’d be out of Frogmore faster than you can say “the crown jewels.”

“Meghan – you will no longer be known as HRH The Duchess of Sussex”

Or maybe he hasn’t actually realised this yet, but don’t worry – he might get the hint when Meg’s packing her suitcase ten minutes after the Queen tells them they will be no longer be known as “Your Royal Highness”.

“Oh, fuck off Harry – call Virgin Atlantic and tell them I’m on my way.”

And then… predictably.. the Diana card is played – one that Harry has used so many times, you can’t even see the digits on it anymore. Yep – “Prince Harry faces fresh hell after retracing his mother’s steps in Botswana.”

Just a real shame he didn’t step on one of the mines

I don’t see how trying to imitate your mother walking through a field can make you feel “fresh pain”, especially as you’ve chosen to do it voluntarily and then whine about it, but my only advice in this case would be:

And what of Meghan? Yes, apparently she is “deeply unhappy” too.

“You don’t understand Thomas yah, I spend every night curled up in the East Wing en-suite, lying amongst my Cartier diamonds and crying into my champagne…. yah.”

She told Tom Brownoser-by that she was, at this point, “existing” and not “living”.

Well, blow me down; “existing and not living” as a definition for me are those who are waiting to die in a hospice. Or those locked up in prison. Or those who are hooked up to a life support machine; the body is there, but the spirit is gone.

“Existing” is not flying to Italy for weddings. It is not taking a private jet to Spain and France for your holidays. It is not staying in a £25,000-a-week villa. It is not attending movie premieres in London. It is not flying a private jet to NYC for your baby shower and shutting down the whole hotel for it. It is not being allowed to marry a Prince at Windsor Castle. It is not riding around in a horse-drawn carriage for your wedding procession. It is not having the Archbishop of Canterbury christen your child. It is not crossing the Atlantic for a tennis game. It is not spending millions of pounds (that aren’t yours) on renovating one of your many homes.

Honey, if by now you do not see this as ‘living’, then you really are beyond help and I suggest you relinquish everything at once and move away– because if you aren’t happy with your (rather large) lot now, you never will be. And the same goes for your husband, too.

Harry and Meghan take a break

From what, I don’t know, but we may as well roll with it…

Yes, apparently from mid November onwards, Meghan and Harry will be taking a ‘6-week break’ from royal engagements (like they do that many anyway) to ‘focus on themselves and their family.’

Apparently Thing 1 and Thing Two (and Thing Arch-Three) are hauling their arses over to Los Angeles for a couple of weeks to celebrate Thanksgiving with Meg’s mum Doria – the only member of her family she hasn’t cut out (besides Harry and Archie – yet).

One also suspects (and hopes) they may use this time to look for a house in LA, so that they can finally bugger off and leave us all in peace.

I do feel though that this “break” may have been under the palace’s instruction: let’s face it, Dipshit 1 and Dipshit 2 wouldn’t understand that they need to back off if the Queen physically hit them over the head with a blunt object, so we know they didn’t reach this conclusion on their own.

Her Majesty The Queen issues a warning

Allegedly the two of them “need time and space to focus on their family”… because apparently at the moment, Harry’s 9 to 5 job at Tesco and Meghan’s part-time work cleaning tables at Starbucks is getting in the way of that.

“I’ve told you I’m not doing overtime today, yah – one needs to get home to Archie.”

I mean really, what is it they do all day anyway apart from sit on their arses and find new things to moan about? I’d say they’d have plenty of time to focus on their family if they spent less energy on trying to manipulate the press and fob off the public.

In any case, we all know that we’re not going to be lucky enough to get a break from them; they’ll be in the press constantly with some story or another, with their own media machine working overtime to churn out yet more crap.

“Yeah, I said WE were taking a break, I didn’t say shit about our PR team.”

And if Meghan doesn’t organise wall-to-wall paparazzi to photograph her, Harry and Archie touching down at LAX, then I am Gandhi’s left bollock.

A Sussex break? My royal arse.

Meghan attends a charity event

After complaining about the attention she receives, Meghan made it her mission to be seen in public as many times this week as possible. Because, you know, cameras.

“Jesus, I just HATE being the centre of attention… but your spotlight isn’t bright enough, just FYI.”

I have to admit, and I know it’s bad, but I didn’t even bother reading what the event was, because I physically couldn’t take scrolling through a million photos of Markle gurning, but all I needed to know and saw was that Markle behaved like a prize tool as per.

First of all, what was going on with the hair? Looking at her at first glance, I’d say she was trying to imitate Kate with this entire look and failing miserably. For some reason, she kept her hair covering at least one eye at all times – sort of like a spaniel when it’s being told off.

Top marks for imitation hun

Secondly, the mannerisms and behaviour was not that of someone who hates attention and is feeling “vulnerable”. She was grinning so hard at one point, I thought her face was going to crack. She was absolutely loving it.

“God, I just hate this life.”

And then – came the most irritating moment of the entire night: the Curtsy-Hug.

For some unknown reason, this woman tried to curtsy to some old slapper onstage, where said slapper Me-again Markle took the opportunity to look as “humble” as possible by blocking the woman’s curtsy with a hug.

For as much as I use this site, I still can’t work out how to insert videos (or whether or not it is indeed possible), but I’d urge you to google it… that clip is something that needs to be witnessed, largely to see the way Meghan does it. Her movements are SO exaggerated, ensuring that the cameras picked up every last glimmer of her looking as charitable as possible.

In that third photo, this chick could’ve taken one for Team GB and kneed her in the vagina: she was literally inches away. Missed opportunity.

Meghan, shaking her head so emphatically at the woman that her wig nearly flew off, was clearly trying to do her “I’m no more important than you, so please don’t curtsy to me. You shouldn’t feel the need to curtsy to me!!!”

A sentiment I can actually share

It’s ok, love – when you’re divorced, back in LA and without anybody to give a shit about you, you’ll be lucky if anybody tries to spit on you, let alone curtsy to you then – of that you can be sure.

“Meghan Markle?”

Kate shops at Sainsbury’s

Let’s have a little bit of Cambridge to break up the other bullshit: yep, The Duchess of Cambridge was spotted at a Sainsbury’s in Norfolk with Prince George and Princess Charlotte during the week, where the family were spending the half term holidays.

As usual, other shoppers commented on how “normal” and “down to earth” the Duchess was, as Catherine browsed the racks of the store looking for Halloween costumes for George and Charlotte.

If Sainsbury’s were out of costumes, they could always go as Uncle Harry and Aunt Meghan: all they need is a bad wig and a male mannequin with no balls.

Upon reaching the check out area, onlookers were politely told by Catherine’s security not to take photographs of her and the children – which we can all understand.

I mean, I wouldn’t want somebody to take photos of me while I bought bog roll and tampons either, and my feeling is that the Duchess of Cambridge shares that sentiment.

“Come along, children – let’s haul royal arse.”

This isn’t the first time the Duchess and her children have been spotted in the area; they were seen shopping at store The Range last year at Christmas, as Catherine hunted for last-minute stocking fillers for her family.

I don’t believe anybody got photos of this, but Catherine was apparently heard “calmly” trying to round her two eldest children up as they ran riot in the store.

Apparently Catherine wanted to stop Charlotte from sitting on the floor, and was all:

When she probably wanted to be more like:

I’m waiting for the day that George, Charlotte and Louis really piss Kate off in Tesco’s or something, and she finally loses her shit chav-style – cockney accent and everything.

Kate finally loses it in the frozen veg aisle

I know it’s not likely to ever happen, but let’s be real, we’d all pay good money to see that.

Meghan lets Harry out of the house

Later on in the week, Meghan had an engagement to discuss some shit about gender equality, where she very kindly let her lapdog husband tag along.

“Come on Harry – walkies!”

Meghan, very clearly believing she was Head Bitch In Charge, even thanked those around her at the event for letting her husband “crash the party”.

“Thanks so much for letting my husband crash the event!”

“Yeah bitch, just like the time you crashed Inskip’s wedding in Jamaica.”

She also said that “gender equality is also very key to the way my husband feels” – which made me snort with laughter; he doesn’t look like he knows anything at this point, let alone how he feels:

“Just need a beer and a ciggie, to be honest”

And judging by Harry’s expressions, his wife is not only wearing the trousers in this marriage, but has his balls stitched on as buttons as well:

I’d wager that gender equality is not a thing in that household and at this point, Harry is about as far back from the spotlight as Meghan’s hairline was at this event.

I’d give the ratty weave a break, love

But of course, I won’t deny that Meghan is a total expert on the subject: she’s been married to more than one dude, so has had a lot of experience keeping men in line and following her around like she’s the Pied Piper.

She also felt that she had to marry a rich and famous man in order to elevate her status and create a name for herself, so it’s real cute that people are sat there listening to a glorified gold-digger about what’s right and wrong in this life.

And to top it all, she wore a low cut jumper with her tits practically hanging out – y’know – for womankind.

You’re not at Soho House anymore, love – put a fucking polo neck on

Maybe next time people strip off for an Extinction Rebellion protest, she can join them – her morals seem to be in exactly the same place, I.e. somewhere up her arse.

One thing that did surprise me though was that she was actually able to walk unaided from the car to the venue without hanging off Harry. Yes – for possibly the first time ever – they did not hold hands on an official engagement.

I declare this an annual holiday throughout the Commonwealth Realms!

Anyway folks, that’s all for this week; I’m sure this coming one will bring plenty more fuckery for me to take the piss out of – and honestly, I can’t wait.

Until then, my lovelies – have a fab week, Happy Halloween for Thursday and I’ll see you all next weekend!

Royal round-up: 19th October

Happy Saturday, all!

We’re a bit earlier with proceedings this week, but as I know I’m going to be a bit busy tomorrow, I didn’t want to let you all down in regards to postings, so got my arse in gear a little earlier this time round.

It’s been a very busy week for royalty (oh, and Harry and Meghan), therefore this is a bit of a lengthy one.

So pour yourself a drink, get comfy on the sofa and let’s review the week’s highlights!

The Cambridges take Pakistan

One good thing to emerge and distract us all from the Sussex Shit Show.

Yep, William and Catherine, The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, undertook a four-day royal tour of Pakistan earlier this week, further doing us all proud and allowing us to breathe a sigh of relief that William was born before Harry.

I was particularly impressed with Catherine really embracing the trip and making a real effort to don the traditional clothing (which she looked totally amazing in, by the way).

img_8885
“What d’ya think babes, shall we convert to Islam? I look well bangin’ in a headscarf, innit.”

Can you imagine Meghan being told she needed to wear a salwar kameez?

And while we’re mentioning Mrs Sussex, I’d like to take this opportunity to draw everyone’s attention to how a headscarf should be worn in a place of worship vs. how it definitely should not be fucking worn:

03bea296-398e-4ed4-8256-928940ac1fb5
Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge (left) and some washer-woman from Lahore (right)

Yes, take note Meghan. The way yours was done up is reminiscent of how I cover my head with my own scarf when it’s raining and I’ve forgotten my umbrella.

But despite the Sussexes successes, the Cambridges had a few scary moments though, when their aircraft that departed from Lahore back to Islamabad hit really rough turbulence during a storm, and was forced to abort TWO landings, eventually heading back to Lahore, where they had originally departed from.

That was the story from the journalists onboard anyway, but for a brief second, I did wonder if Meghan and Harry had maybe tampered with the aircraft.

PhysicalWastefulBetafish-size_restricted
…fuck with the second-in-line to the throne’s aircraft”

The Duke of Cambridge joked that it was “really scary”, largely due to the fact that he “spilt his Vodka tonic” during the turbulence.

img_8893
Protecting the alcohol during turbulence – a man after my own heart.

The couple eventually returned to Islamabad the next morning before flying back on to London, but not before using their extra time in Lahore usefully, and spending another two hours at the orphanage they had visited earlier in the week.

Overall, a hugely successful tour for The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge; I always admire their willingess and enthusiasm to get involved in everything and how warm and approachable they always are with everyone. I’m sure they had a cracking time out there.

img_8884
“The ball is Meghan’s head, the ball is Meghan’s head…”

Harry holds Archie
Like an undiffused bomb out in Afghanistan, but we’ll get to that later.

Yes, Sussex fans lost their minds earlier this week when “unseen” photos emerged of Prince Harry holding his son Archie in Africa, for the second time ever in public.
It was apparently truly shocking and front page news – to see a father hold his own kid.

I too lost my mind – but for very different reasons. Yes folks, it is becoming more and more apparent that neither Sussex parent is spending much time with Sussex Spawn, as Harry appears to face the same difficulties as his wife when it comes to holding their 5-month-old son in a safe manner.

img_8895
Fucking hell Harry – he’s a baby, not a hand grenade – hold him properly

Maybe they’re trying to set a new trend of carrying your child halfway down your torso for 2020, or perhaps they just didn’t spend enough time practising in the mirror before going out into public that day, but I have no idea why they hold Archie like they’re about to drop him.

img_8896
Reckon they’ve been taking tips from this dude

While Harry struggled to wipe the “this-is-the-first-fucking-time-I’ve-held-him” look off his face, Meghan was also busy trying to play the ‘doting mother’, making sure the cameras caught her planting a kiss on her son’s head.
The problem, however, is that she was also unable to control her own face too, and the cameras picked up on her side-eyeing the photographers to make sure they had captured the ‘money shot’.

img_8898
“Did they get the shot yet? No? Well fucking hurry up – he smells of sick.”

I kind of feel sorry for Archie; he’s only a baby, and much like the Kardashian kids, is only really trotted out when he needs to be used as a prop to garner some popularity for his parents – something that appears to be fast-becoming a theme for them.

Spent too much money this month? Bring out Archie!
Pissed off the taxpayers by taking yet another private jet? Chuck us the baby!
Royal tour going to flop? This oughta do it.

Considering neither of them seem comfortable holding a child they have been parents to for nearly half a year, I’d wager that Archie lives with the nanny in a separate wing of Frogmore, only being handed over to mummy and daddy for public appearances and special occasions.

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“Ok – the three minute Christmas Cuddle Time is over now!”

Archie my love, for your sake, I hope you’re walking soon; that way you won’t have to worry about these two losers potentially dropping you on your head, and you can haul ass outta Windsor in the near future.

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“Yeah, are you out front in the car? Don’t worry about the toys, let’s just grab a few of the crown jewels and get the fuck outta here before my mum notices I’m gone.”

Harry has a breakdown at the WellChild awards

There was so much wrong with this entire appearance that I spent a good ten minutes looking at my laptop before even writing this sentence, not even knowing where to begin.

But I think I’ll start with Meghan’s outfit.

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The open mouth ain’t doing her any favours either, but I guess old habits die hard

Sussex fans got really excited about the fact that Meghan re-wore her green engagement dress (while for the sake of our taxes, the rest of us were just relieved she had actually reworn anything at all).

The dress itself is nice, but… (how do I put this?)… I think it may have fit better two years ago.
I know it sounds catty, but that dress was clinging to all the wrong places like she had stuffed herself into sausage casing instead of a standard midi dress – and something tells me she was aware of this, given the coat draped over her shoulders to (quite literally) cover her arse and what I can only assume was a case of savage VPL.

And honestly, I’m sick to the back teeth of this half-worn coat shit.
I put my coat on like that when I’m popping downstairs at work to go for a cigarette. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable it must be wearing it like that all night, and especially to a semi-formal event. Oh, and when you’re attending as a member of the royal family.

Moving on from this, the second thing that quite frankly, freaked the fuck out of me, was the momentary stomach-touch from Meghan before they entered the venue.

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Drop me the fuck out

Guys, I’m telling you, if this woman is pregnant again, I will personally contact NASA and ask them to strap me to whatever rocket is being launched into outer space next. I’m not mentally prepared to go through another 18 months of stomach holding and coat-flicking, and I’m sure you guys aren’t either.

I’ve sat, silently praying, and wondering of the other possible reasons she could’ve done this…

She could have just had a case of period bloating and cramping?

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“One’s period is really fucking with one’s stomach this month.”

Maybe she ate too many of the spices Will and Kate brought back from Pakistan and needed to get to a bog?

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“Bet it was that fucking garam masala Kate gave me.”

Or maybe the camera caught her in the split second she was smoothing down her dress?

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“Don’t mind me – one’s Spanx are just riding up one’s arse.”

But let’s not lie though; she’s 38, clearly looking to maximise her divorce settlement and knows her days within the BRF are numbered – realistically, and unfortunately, she’s probably pregnant again.

But without an announcement (yet), I won’t dwell on this too much – so let’s move on nicely to the main issue of the night: Harry seemingly losing his shit onstage.

Yes, Harry, talking about when Meghan was “newly knocked up” with Archie reduced him to tears (for some reason), sending the Sussex Sheep into meltdown about how “amazing” Harry was as a father, all because he was desperately seeking attention onstage.

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You may wanna learn how to actually hold him first before you start shovelling out your public declarations of love for him

Putting all that aside – wasn’t this an event for children? And yet again, one half of the Sussex duo sought to make it all about themselves (for possibly the millionth time this year).

Harry, so “overcome with emotion”, took a beat to compose himself, before continuing with his little speech all about himself and his family. I have to say, I’m slightly impressed – his acting skills are marginally better than that of his wife.

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She ain’t buying whatever shit he’s selling though

Or maybe Meghan really is pregnant again and his breakdown was out of sheer panic that Ikea may be running out of extra-padded cushions this time of year for Mrs Sussex to shove up her jumper for the second time.

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It’s alright mate – they still do the triple padding ones, they’re only 40 quid and still in stock at the Wembley store

Or maybe he just wasn’t used to standing without Meghan hanging off his arm? If that was the case, the lady next to him very kindly stepped in to offer her arm-grabbing services.

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“You good? Shall I fetch Meghan?”

Whatever it was, it was a total fucking embarassment.
A grown 35-year-old, former army man in floods of tears onstage because his wife (allegedly) pushed a baby out of her Royal box, like so many others before her?

Come off it, mate. Let’s hope Meghan gifts you your balls back in time for Christmas.

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– Archie giving his dad a pep talk

Harry and Meghan’s interview

This is another one that I do not know where to begin with.

Apparently, in what appears to be a desperate attempt to garner some much-needed sympathy for them, Harry and Meghan thought it would be a good idea to do a small interview while out in Africa with Tom Bradbury from ITV – because what better way to endear yourself to others than by whining about how difficult it is being so rich and famous.

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“It’s just so difficult being me, yah”

Harry, still clinging to the ‘my-mother-died-22-years-ago-therefore-give-me-a-free-pass-for-everything’ card, didn’t miss (yet another) opportunity to drop her name in there, hoping that it would do the trick to get an outpouring of love and support from the public he and his wife have spent three years sticking two fingers up at:

Every time I hear a camera click or see a camera flash, I am reminded of my mother.

(or some other shit to that effect).

Well you weren’t that arsed when you were dressing up as a Nazi or shagging strippers in Vegas hotel rooms, but go ahead, we’re listening.

Poor, poor little Prince Harry; such a prisoner of his own fame and wealth – with such real problems, such as his driver turning up ten minutes late to the palace last week or the personal chef forgetting to make his favourite dessert. A moment of silence for him, please – he really has it rough.

And then Meghan, silently wetting herself next to Prince Harry in panic in case she didn’t get a chance to speak, chimed in right on cue:

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“Alright ginger bollocks, that’s quite enough – can I bloody speak now?”

Ok, she didn’t say that, but she did say this:

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Maybe because we don’t give a shit

Hun, who the fuck is meant to ask you if you’re ok when you and your husband expressly told your neighbours that they’re not allowed to approach you if they see you in public? You can’t tell people to piss off and then whine that they actually have.
After that, I’d wager the last thing they give a shit about is your mental wellbeing, and I can’t say I blame them.

And then, it just got worse, really.

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Oh yeah it bloody well can

Meghan went on to tell us all how ‘vulnerable’ she felt – like she wasn’t the one who organised all those pap strolls in Toronto back in the day to make sure she was seen.

Or made sure the press knew every time she made a ‘secret’ trip to London to see Harry while they were still dating.

Or like she can’t sniff out a camera from ten miles away like a Great White Shark with a drop of blood in the ocean.

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Vulnerable my arse

She talked about the ‘pressures’ of being under the media spotlight as a new mother and having her every move documented – all while actually willingly standing in front of a camera to be documented for a worldwide broadcast.

Media outlets ran stories upon stories, claiming that during the interview, Meghan was ‘close to tears’ while speaking of her plight.

No, she wasn’t ‘close to tears’ (although she was trying damn hard to be). She was squeezing her face so hard at one point to try and feign emotion, I feared it was more likely she’d end up with a shart, rather than any signs of eye leakage.

Let’s just say, it isn’t a bloody mystery why she was never able to crack Hollywood.

I feel like the comments about the difficulties of being a new mother were to garner some support and sympathy from the people on MumsNet or something, in the hope they’d be all like:

But in reality, I fear people were more like:

No honey, nobody can relate to you; your husband is the Queen’s grandson, you live in a property just off Windsor Castle grounds, you have a round-the-clock nanny and your kid is seventh in line to the throne.
Something tells me you wouldn’t have much in common with the ladies in the local mums group.

All jokes aside, I have to say – I am utterly horrified that they chose their tour of Africa to broach this subject.

They chose to whine about their undeserved, over-privileged lives, while conducting a royal tour on behalf of the Queen to the most poverty-stricken continent on the planet?
Do either of these two consider whether or not they have a single brain cell between them before the open their mouths?

Honestly, this week has been so exhausting with these two, it’s physically given me a headache trying to document it all. If there is a pregnancy announcement next week and you don’t hear from me, it’s because I’ve been admitted to the local asylum.

But otherwise, Sussex Stupidness not withstanding, I will see all you lovelies next weekend! Have a great week!

Royal round-up: 13th October

Happy Sunday huns!

Sorry – I am getting really shit with updating this on a weekly basis, but I’m trying to keep up with it all. If only life would stop getting in the way.

But I’m here now – so let’s get cracking…

Meghan ties ribbons

And just like that, poverty ended and world peace was restored.

“Don’t you dare fucking post this one – my extensions are looking SHIT.”

In “honour” of the young woman who was brutally raped and murdered, Uyinene Mrwetyana, Meghan made sure that she was up front and centre to highlight her grief – though she probably hadn’t even heard the young woman’s story until she’d been briefed ten minutes before in the car, all while practicing her “solemn” expression in the rear view mirror.

“Does this look ok? No? Bit sadder? …Maybe I should lose the tiara?”

Yes – rather than posting a picture of the young woman who lost her life, Meghan made sure she was caught on camera doing something charitable – because what’s the point of doing something good if nobody’s looking, right Meg?

In fact – one look at their “Sussex royal” Instagram will show you that this tour was nothing more than the fucking Meghan show. Seriously – even on a post about visiting a place of worship, all Me-again has shared are photos of herself like it’s some kind of Vogue photo shoot, rather than a royal tour with charitable focuses.

“Felt like Diana in this one, might delete later lol”

I mean really, it would be laughable if it wasn’t so shocking. Almost every post was entirely about her. Even if Harry has gone somewhere solo, she still managed to find a way to shove her name and face in.

“Here to help the poor” – HRH Meghan 💋

“Here to campaign for women’s education but doesn’t this look like I’m on a catwalk?!”

“Let’s focus on the matter at hand but look how many people are taking photos of me!!!”

In fact, one article recently described them as “The Duchess of Sussex and her husband”.

If I’m not mistaken, the “Duchess” (lol) would not be a Duchess without marrying who she did, so something about that doesn’t read right, but maybe it’s just me.

I sense Harry getting Charles-jealous-of-Diana-vibes in 3, 2, 1…

Meghan Skypes Malawi

Which brings me nicely to my next point.

Yes, while Prince Harry buggered off to Malawi to patronise yet more sad folk, Meghan made sure her main man didn’t forget about her – or let others do so either.

On a visit to a school, Harry, obviously labouring under the same misapprehension as his wife that she is actually popular anywhere, made sure she stuck her ski-slope nose into proceedings by Skyping the poor girls in the classroom – most of whom probably don’t even have WiFi, let alone use it to look up shit about Meghan.

“Ladies – you don’t really need an education. Just a thick ginger with a title and even thicker wallet. You’re welcome!”

Harry expressed pride over his wife’s appearance – clearly proud she managed to type in the Skype password herself and everything, further proving that her own education (which daddy Markle paid for), had really come in handy.

Harry got into the spirit of things and even joined some morning prayers with one of the young students:

“Yes Angeline, say it with me: Dear Lord, please ensure that plane takes off out of Johannesburg without my wife onboard. I’ll say an extra Hail Mary for possible engine failure too.”

Prayer time over, Prince Harry interacted with some of the young students, discussing important current affairs:

“Fuck it – I’ll give you twenty quid to adopt Meghan. I’ll throw in Archie too for half price, if you’re interested?”

He even met the President of Malawi:

“YOU don’t want her, do you mate?”

And then interacted with more of the locals:

“But twenty quid is a lot of money where you’re from – final offer.”

All in all – a successful trip for the Duke of Sussex.

“Guess she’s fucking coming back to England, then.”

Harry and Meghan take legal action

Yes, these two plonkers are actually taking legal action against the Daily Mail (and whoever else they feel like) because they “write negative things about Meghan” and because the letter she wrote to her dad was released to the public – like that wasn’t her intention from the start.

I think somebody may need to also tell Harry that the DM don’t have anything favourable to say about anyone, but don’t let the truth get in the way of a lawsuit.

Harry actually even went as far as to release a lengthy statement, telling us how much his wife was “suffering” in private and how he “couldn’t stand by and watch it anymore.”

Doesn’t look like she’s suffering too much to me, mate.

If they’re looking for some form of sympathy after spending all our money and trying to shut us out at every turn, they’re not gonna get it here. Save for a few idiots, the public are fully done with these two.

“I know we’re arseholes and we spent all your money and told you all to fuck off, yah – but have a heart.”

Harry – neither you nor your wife know what “suffering” is.

You were born with a fucking silver spoon in your mouth and bar the loss of your mother, an event you’ve dined out on for 21 years and seem to think will get you a free pass for everything, you do not know what this truly means.

And what about Meghan The Humanitarian suing her own father? I thought, according to her, he was once the best thing since sliced bread?

“My father is a wonderful man who has done a lot for me, but since he is slowly exposing me for the total prick I am, it breaks my heart to tell you all that I will have to sue his arse in the near future. Please pay, I mean – pray, for me at this difficult time.”

This is one circus that isn’t going to come to an end anytime soon, but I’m finding it hilarious, so keep ’em coming I say!

Harry gets aggy with the press

Following a visit to a hospital in Malawi, Prince Harry was asked “what he hoped to gain by the short visit he made”, which nicely fucked him off.

“Don’t be getting up in one’s face, yah”

“Ask them” and gesturing back to the hospital with his thumb was his response – which was probably another way of saying “I haven’t got a fucking clue.”

“Couldn’t tell ya, mate. I just turn up, shake some hands and then head home for a nap.”

Any further questions from Harry were met with a dismissive response, with him essentially telling one reporter not to be a dick – before jumping into his chauffeur driven car, with security, water and AC waiting.

“Remind us of what SUFFERING is again, Harry m’boy.”

As usual, the Sussexes show their anger at being called out by anybody on their own behaviour. For two people who love looking in the mirror, they sure as hell don’t enjoy having one held up to them.

Let’s face it, she doesn’t look like a victim here – she looks like Anthony Joshua about to take on Conor McGregor.

But we can all thank our lucky stars – this “royal tour” is now over and hopefully the Spender Sussexes have retreated back into their cave for several months, where they can have all the “privacy” they want.

“Harry, I’ll be wife number two once this one dumps you!”

“Yeah, almost done with him love – just give me another year and one more kid.”

This coming week should be interesting and it’s a big one – The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge touch down in Pakistan tomorrow for a four-day tour of the country, and we all know they’re going to do us proud.

Let’s face it, we fucking need them to redeem the image after the Sussexes buggered it up yet again overseas.

I can’t wait! Until next weekend, my lovelies…